


happiness isn't to be felt

by hashtag_eternal



Series: HQ One-Shots [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Hinata and Kags aren't technically in a relationship, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, POV Kageyama Tobio, Running Away, Suicide, but it revolves around them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 10:35:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15906558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hashtag_eternal/pseuds/hashtag_eternal
Summary: this was a prompt given to me byhttp://kuroko-seijuro.tumblr.com/on Tumblr. :)





	happiness isn't to be felt

**Author's Note:**

> this was a prompt given to me by [http://kuroko-seijuro.tumblr.com/](url) on Tumblr. :)

_It’s time._

Kageyama inhaled sharply, staring out the window of the airplane as it headed down the runway. He was going back to Tokyo. It had been two years since that incident, and two years since Tobio had left without a word to anyone.

The setter swallowed thickly, leaning back in his seat, clutching the armrests as unwelcome memories flooded through his head. Memories of all the physical fights he had with Hinata, memories of all the arguments about what kind of set-up was best, memories about Hinata wanting to open his eyes.

No.

He couldn’t think about them, not now. Not when he was going back.

But they _hurt_ , dammit. They hurt so much, causing a pain in his chest that Kageyama knew was anguish. He couldn’t turn back time no matter how hard he tried. He couldn’t undo the things he’d done in the past.

Their fights from their first year to the middle of their third year were always resolved. But there was just one, that one incident that broke them apart for what could be forever.

He knew that they were both easily worked up, easily angered, and what sparked this fight was no different. There was a trigger, a switch between them that neither of them dared to touch. It would break them apart.

Kageyama took full blame for starting it. He said something to Hinata, about his abilities, about _something_ that upset him, and Hinata had lashed out, tapping that trigger and Kageyama took that opportunity to pull it.

There’d been so much screaming, so many words said that hurt by both parties, so much kicking, pushing, punching. Any kind of physical violence that used any part of their body was included. Their fight had been bloody, bordering close on becoming life-threatening. 

If it hand’t been for Ukai and their fellow third years, Kageyama’s last kick would have killed Hinata. Hinata had been small, and Kageyama knew that full and well, but hell, could he _fight_. Kageyama knew from experience; their first fight left him bruised and hurting in more ways than one.

Hinata had pummeled Kageyama with sharp punches, dodging his grabs and most of his kicks. Kageyama had been so angry that he became blinded by it, so much so that the origin of where his anger had become a blur. 

Kageyama had yelled, cursed, and fought back with everything he had. He’d grabbed Hinata by the collar of his shirt and thrown him onto the concrete of the sidewalk. Kageyama had kicked Hinata viciously, ignoring the way that Hinata had curled in on himself.

Kageyama had shoved Hinata’s face into the ground, straddling him from behind as he twisted Hinata’s arm viciously. His ears were full of white noise, and he could feel hands yanking and grabbing at his shoulders, trying to pull him back.

All of the anger rushed out of Kageyama the moment he heard a snapping noise, and a high-pitched shriek from Hinata. He froze, and was immediately pulled off, stumbling to his feet as strong arms held him back. Hinata was lying limply on the floor, two brave second years fluttering around him nervously, shouting at the others to call an ambulance. 

Kageyama could see scrapes, cuts, scratch marks gone too deep and bruises all over Hinata’s arms and legs. His shirt had been torn, stained with dirt, grass and blood. His torso had multiple bruises, some a deep purple where Kageyama had kneed him. There was blood trickling down the side of Hinata’s head, and the setter realized that it was because he kicked him. 

The tiny middle blocker’s arm had been twisted at a weird angle, and Kageyama realized that his ears were ringing because of the screams that Hinata had let out as his arm was twisted behind him. Hinata suddenly lifted his head and retched, throwing up bile and blood, as Kageyama’s stomach churned.

_You don’t know your own strength, Kageyama. You need to be aware of that._ The voices of the previous third years, Ukai, and even his parents flooded his mind. Hinata looked like he was barely breathing, eyes closed, blood crusting his face. 

As the sound of an ambulance was heard, Kageyama shook of everyone holding him back and raced off, not wanting to see the frail and broken body of Hinata anymore.

He and Hinata hadn’t spoken to each other after that. Hinata couldn’t play volleyball for the next several weeks, and Kageyama had increasing amounts of guilt inside of him. Kageyama occasionally caught glances of Hinata when he passed by the classroom, and it ached to see Hinata smiling, his sunny personality making the others around him smile as well.

There were times when Hinata’s gaze would stray to the door and catch sight of Kageyama, and the setter would feel a shudder run down his spine at how cold Hinata’s sunshine eyes were. He bit his lip and looked down as he walked away.

After about two weeks after their fight, Kageyama couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take those accusing glares at practice, he couldn’t take those cold eyes that used to make him feel warm and happy, he couldn’t think straight. 

He was falling behind in his work, and though he had just taken off his bandages from scrapes and cuts and finished the tube of cream, he knew that the bandages around his heart were starting to fall apart. The scars, both physical and emotional had cut deep, and Kageyama knew that he would always remember this.

Kageyama knew that running wouldn’t get him anywhere. His heart would still hurt, and his eyes would still burn when he thought back to their fight. This would be the one to tear them apart forever.

He knew that running wouldn’t held.

He knew that he couldn’t escape from the guilt.

But he packed up everything he owned and left on the next flight out of Tokyo.

Now here he was, two years later, heart still hurting just as much as he watched the clouds beneath the plane, on a flight back to Tokyo.

It was stupid of him, to be flying back on short notice. He knew that Yachi was still there, and had kept in contact with her occasionally over the two years. All he had said in his last message was _I’m coming back_.

He hadn’t bothered to check his phone after that, leaving it on airplane mode even as the flight from Yokohama to Tokyo began.

 

“Kageyama-kun!” Kageyama looked up as he heard the familiar call of the former Karasuno manager.

“Yachi-san,” Kageyama was relieved, as he hurried over, dragging his small suitcase behind him, gripping the strap of his carry on.

“How are you?” Yachi asked, looking nervous. “Have you got your reservation set for the hotel?” 

“I’m fine,” Kageyama smiled wryly. “Yes, my reservation has been set. How many are still in the area?” Yachi hesitated momentarily.

“Well, Daichi-san and Suga-san are still here. Noya-san, Asahi-san, Ennoshita-san, and Tanaka-san have left for Tokyo. Tsukishima-kun and Yamaguchi-kun are off on a trip and they will be back soon.” Yachi said in a rush. The familiar names from his first year filter through his head, and he’s almost relieved until he realizes that there’s one missing.

“Hinata?” Kageyama asked. Yachi fell silent, her features growing almost stoic. Kageyama had a terrible feeling.

“He’s….” Yachi paused, her voice cracking, and Kageyama gently grasped her shoulder and led her out of the airport. 

“What’s wrong?” Kageyama asked, feeling apprehension begin to bubble up inside of him.

“He’s…. gone, Kageyama-kun.”

“What do you mean?” Kageyama demanded, high voice rising higher in pitch. “He’s left Tokyo? He’s left Japan? He’s-” Kageyama swallowed the last word down, hoping to God that wasn’t the case.

“Kageyama-kun. He committed suicide.” Yachi’s voice was soft, her eyes glassy with unshed tears.

_No._

It couldn’t be.

Not Hinata.

Not the one who was always so happy, the one who always brought smiles to the faces of others. 

“I-” Kageyama started, but stopped as his voice choked up. His eyes were burning, mind whirling and his chest was feeling like it was constricting.

“Not here,” Yachi said, her voice hoarse as she dragged Kageyama with her towards the parking lot. She leads him towards a small black Honda Civic, and helps him put his suitcase in the trunk before she climbs in the driver’s seat.

“How?” Kageyama finally asked, as they both got settled in. Yachi bites her lower lip, and inhales deeply before she starts to speak, her voice shaking.

“It was about a year ago.” 

It hit him even harder, like a speeding car smashing into him. He felt the breath being squeezed out of his lungs, and he reeled.

“W-what?” Kageyama stuttered. Had he come all this way for nothing? How hadn’t he known? _Why_ hadn’t he known?

“Soon after you left without telling anyone-” Kageyama flinched, “Hinata started to waste away before our eyes. He became quiet, and he no longer played volleyball with the enthusiasm he used to have before. Even Tsukishima-kun was worried. He wouldn’t talk to anyone, and week after week, he seemed to become smaller.” Yachi sighed, rubbing at her eyes with the backs of her hands. 

“He was starving himself, and I saw scars littering his skin. When I asked him about it, all he did was smile and wave me away.” Yachi breathed in, and Kageyama rubbed at the insides of his own wrists absentmindedly, at the skin where he had been to tempted to cut, at at a couple points, had. 

Yachi’s gaze followed his movements, and Kageyama heard her breath catch and flinched in guilt, tugging the sleeves of his hoodie farther down his arms.

“He killed himself by overdosing on sleeping pills.” Yachi said, finally, as tears started to run down her cheeks. 

“I-I can’t… I don’t believe it.” Kageyama said, trying hard to compose himself. Yachi shook her head, inhaling sharply as she started the engine. Kageyama was in denial, he didn’t want to believe that the sunshine idiot he’d been pining over uselessly for the past several years was gone. He didn’t want to believe that he’d never see those eyes again, even if it was a cold glare. He didn’t want to believe he wouldn’t ever hear Hinata’s taunts.

“I’ll take you to his grave.” Yachi said, her voice trembling and face stoic. 

It was true.

 

__

_Hinata Shouyou  
June 21, 2001 - August 16, 2020  
A beloved friend, son and brother_

Kageyama was dumbfounded as he stared at the gravestone, heart thundering in his ears, silent tears falling from his eyes as his hands dangled uselessly by his sides.

He knew that he would never deserve to be happy again, after being the cause of his best friend’s death. He knew that Yachi was several steps back, giving him space. Kageyama sunk to his knees before the gravestone, not bothering to hide the fact that he was crying.

“Why?” Kageyama whispered, his voice hoarse. “Why would you do this?” 

He could almost hear Hinata’s voice, “because it was your fault, Bakageyama.” It only made the hot tears fall faster.

“You dumbass,” Kageyama choked, looking down at the ground where his palms were pressed into the soft dirt. The bundle of flowers on the gravestone looked fairly new, and Kageyama knew that one of the Karasuno players had come by recently.

“You stupid, stupid, dumbass.” Kageyama sobbed, curling his fingers into the dirt, no longer caring about what got beneath his fingernails. “Why would you-” Kageyama’s forehead brushed against the ground, feeling his entire body shake. 

“Kageyama-kun,” Kageyama’s cries didn’t cease, even when Yachi crouched down next to him, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly.

“It’s my fault.” Kageyama said finally.

“No,” Yachi gasped. “It’s not your fault, it’s no one’s fault.”

“Hinata might’ve been the one to initiate the fight, but I’m the one who broke him. Literally and figuratively.” Kageyama said with a mirthless laugh. His throat had felt like it’d closed up, and his heart constricting painfully in his tight chest. “I’m the one who drove him to his death.”

Kageyama pounded a fist against the stone, ignoring the way that pain blossomed through his knuckles and up his arm. 

“I left, and he killed himself. If I had stayed, he might’ve killed himself sooner. Every time he looked at me after the fight hurt me. He looked like he didn’t know who I was, a stranger, someone who he never cared for. But I-” Kageyama’s voice broke on a high note, and he punched the stone again, shoulders trembling.

“You?” Yachi asked, her voice soft and low, prompting and soothing.

“I… don’t know.” Kageyama had started to hyperventilate, panicking, as he realized his carefully trapped emotions from several years were starting to slip from his grasp. Yachi noticed his unraveling self, and helped him to stand, even wiping the tears from his eyes before tugging him gently back to the car.

“I’m sorry. That was probably a shock to you.” Yachi sighed as they started back on the highway. Kageyama stayed quiet, biting his lower lip hard enough to draw blood.

"It was." Kageyama admitted. "I... just can't believe-" he swallowed the lump in his throat. "That no one ever told me. That I came back to see Hinata and found out he was dead."

"Kageyama-kun, you changed your number." Yachi reminded him. Kageyama flinched, rubbing at his red and wet eyes. He kept quiet, and when Yachi pulled up to the hotel he was staying at, he got out slowly.

“Thank you, Yachi-san.” Kageyama said, his voice brusque.

“Are you going to be alright?” Yachi asked, calling after him. She looked worried. “I know that you came here to make things right with Hinata…”

“I know,” Kageyama swallowed thickly, and rubbed his palms across his face. “I’ll just say hi to everyone before I go back to Yokohama.” Yachi was quiet, her eyes trained in front of her as Kageyama got his suitcase from the back and thanked her softly.

Kageyama barely had time to check in and get into the privacy of his hotel room before he broke down in full, body-wracking sobs, sliding to the floor, burying his face in his knees as he screamed and cried.

His head hurt.

His throat burned.

His fingers trembled.

His heart had torn.

He wouldn’t ever forgive himself for it as long as he lived. If Hinata was looking down upon him in a spiritual form, Kageyama gave him his full permission to laugh at how miserable Kageyama had become.

Why?

Because it was his fault. It always would be.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I have a tendency of listening to songs that literally depict what I'm thinking ;-;
> 
>  
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYKTlFLv4jE


End file.
